So I know I haven't blogged about it in awhile but the family war is still going on. I am just trying to deal with it better. I am taking this online class on how to parent like a buddhist. I am trying to let the consistent abuse of my mental well-being roll off my back like raindrops. I can't keep asking myself why the fuck am I standing in the rain when I don't have to? I can't keep asking myself how he is still getting away with this, you know, because I am trying to parent like a buddhist which apparently means sitting on the train tracks pretending I don't see the train. Prolonged misery is an exceptional existential experience I no longer wish to have.
My daughter will be going back to school full-time within the week and I still don't know if she will being "living" here or at least going back to the legal custody contract. The past two weeks, the two days she has been here have been somewhat peaceful because I am a half-assed buddhist and have this wonderful outlet of writing. I still know nothing about anything.
So today I get an email that my daughter has missed her remote Chorus class. I email X to ask him about it but don't expect a reply. If she was in the hospital dying he wouldn't notify me. He is that kind of Asshole. Since my child is also emotionally blocked like him now, I don't expect a reply from her either.
I don't know what to do; maybe I am not supposed to. Since I have been alienated as a parent. Since my daughter has become confused. Since our bond has been ruptured. I no longer have to fear her being taken from me or emotionally abused or whatever else is happening over in the house of secret confusion. It has already happened. So for the first time in my life I am actually living in the present. Which is a fucking miracle considering I have PTSD. Plus my creativity is 24/7 now. Whatever block I had is completely gone.
Still worried about my kid though, because I have a mother's soul and it is hurting. I have faith that truth and justice will prevail (at least at this moment in time). If it doesn't, then I will deal with that later. I guess I don't get Buddhist parenting quite yet, but apparently neither does X and he is a therapist who can't communicate which is pretty funny if you really think about it. Tonight I will stay up and worry that my kid has Covid19 and that is why she missed Chorus which she would never have missed on purpose because singing is her favorite thing in the world besides poop jokes which she isn't allowed to make over at her dad's house. They consider poop a swear. Oops, guess his new wife doesn't know all the swear words he calls me.
It must be fun to be so fake and put on a new face each morning. I am thankful for X's awfulness because I am a Buddhist parent now and I love suffering. It is great for my writing. Not so great for my daughter, though. She is going to grow up and have daddy issues like me and end up with abusive men or women or non-gendered individuals. She isn't going to know how to recognize honesty in a person and I will have to watch her suffer like I have been but it will be worse.
But I am okay. I will get a mantra and get in the lotus position even though I can't from arthritis and constant stress. I will list all the things I am grateful for and hope that justice will prevail like it did with Trump; oh it didn't.
Okay, I am fucked and fine with that. Life is suffering. Pray for my daughter. No, better yet, curse her father. I won't tell. I am good at keeping secrets. OM or peace or whatever.