drive this hearse/into the storm/when the road signs go dark/kneel at the altar/ everything/ that should be forgotten/ won't

burn this candle/when you bury yourself

/after your stepdad kicks you down the stairs/you break on the floor/his screams/will be the soundtrack/to the rest of your life

when watercolor bruises/ bleed beneath your skin/you will tell yourself/this is art/ getting beat doesn't matter/when your existence/ is just white noise

bleeding knees/ mean you are alive/when he is kicking you in the back/ leave your body watch yourself from up above

i am here/ i am not/ she is an anthill/ that he steps on

it is a relief/when the shadows come/ they drink your tears/ they hide you/where he can't find you/where you can't find yourself/this never ending free fall

memories crossed out in black pen/my  head is  a dilapidated library

i should help her/ instead/i watch her suffer/ call it art/she is me/we listen/ to the static/to remember everything/ we were supposed to forget/

my girlhood ghost/ won't stop haunting me










​

at the grave of my soul
i beg the dirt
to save my child

a record 
skips to the past
my mother
in a prison waiting room

emptiness is already
blooming in my bones
i smile at the guard
and he looks away

 this is the day
my mother lost
 all her tears

 the ivy prison
where my inked fingerprints
bled like blood

my daughter's
father
will  lie like
the man behind 
the table

 in her sleep
angels whisper
the truth
she doesn't listen

her daddy's lies
 are a  potent elixir

in the end
the demons  save her
my child fingerprints
in prison ink
mix with the tears
of my teenage mother

destiny is conjured
a rag doll
consecrated
in a prison water fountain
​
my daughter was
just 
making  a pact
to be born then

water fountain tears
a table of splintered lies

cruel men run rough hands
over surfaces
and don't feel anything

my dead dad 
knocks 
at the door 
behind me

 he wants to make amends
i tell him to do 
my bidding
​
save your granddaughter
 from
a liar like you
a bully 
a brute

i peel his prison tattoos 
while i tell him this
burn them as an offering

he has no choice now
no where to go

i send him
images of my teenage
mother while he beat her
he thinks i was too young 
to remember

her bent beneath him
while he held a beer bottle over 
her head

my mind is all fire
 as 
i recall how i came to be
his rape
made me this
shaman witch
a child
the demons born
within me
turn on him

i watch them
feed off him
 in that prison waiting room
 fluorescent lights
and mint green walls
 stale gum and smoke

i watch from the corner
 with my rag doll
i am only 3 
a strawberry embroidered
on my shirt
is my hope
and also the 
  gaping hole that
never leaves me
and consumes this room

i touch the water fountain
 my toddler fingers
drip black blood ink
i don't drink
from the prison spout
i will be  thirsty
for the rest of my life

my mother's 
tears are beautiful
to everyone here
they are all sadist
the doll 
and i know this
and come to an agreement
that life is shit

dead daddy
i am 
sending you another
shitty father
a liar just like you
to keep you company 
in your cell

i give you this present
a tattoo gun
so my poetry bleeds
on every inch of his skin

hold him down
like you held my mother
hold him down
like that girl 
who was my age 
and sat on a bench
one day to tell me
you raped her
we had the same name
i believed her

you made it so my daughter
doesn't believe me

daddy
he won't feel a thing
he is just as cold as you
the only difference
is he went to college
​and grad school

i walk this never ending
spiral staircase

at night 
words spill out 
 i go to the places
where i got lost

my stepfather in his recliner
dissolving pain pills on his tongue
he holds my wrist
tells me his dreams

they are just nightmares
he doesn't want me to forget

my first boyfriend
wears cologne
​it comes from a bottle
that looks like a red shotgun shell

my body is still an illusion then
it needs to be 
to survive

i am wallpaper
i am the window
i am the rug
i am the night sky looking in
trapped in this room

you are the nightmare
​above me
some man 
some boy
 who doesn't care

​ i  never stop
picking at the wounds
that you leave

i am a dartboard
throw words at me
 hit the bullseye
too many times

i laugh at my reaction

you came from my blood
and now this

in an old apartment building
we are a movie haunted
descend the staircase

run from everything
i forgot to tell you
until now

time is useless
the instant
you lock every door
i have given you the key
to open
it is my fault

the mother ghosts
line up behind me 
we walk down steps

hearts skewered
to hold like candles

one day
you will  hold your heart
like this
in the dark
walk these
never-ending steps

you will be
a mother ghost too

in the blue hour
past sunset
past the pink light of promise

night is its own consciousness 
what is real 
only becomes real now

we are wild animals
roaming the forest
 daylight is just a man
with a gun trying
to prove his worth

nightmares sit in metal folding chairs
waiting to watch the world end

i lose myself in another world
a spiral unraveled
stealing stars

light years from now
i will remember this black hole
how its beginning
was just another end

and i was just a fool
juggling stars
listening to the echo
of nothing

thinking 
it was everything