while the world is ending
i decide to quit drinking

the medication to fix my broken brain
so i wouldn't want to drink
got a 10/10 on drugs.com

after it built up in my system
it gave me such  a violent reaction
worse than any hangover
i could only drink gatorade
for three days 

one more day on those
pills i would have ended up
in the hospital

another drug 
added to the long list 
of things my body rejects

my intolerance to life
manifests itself
in a myriad of food
and drug allergies

i had an allergic reaction
to shrooms in college
after that i could only
do acid

the last time i didn't 
fake smile
i was drunk
the last time i laughed
i was drunk

now the only
intermission from sadness
is anxiety 

my wine
has been replaced
with never ending
existential terror

i would go for a walk
but i am allergic to trees
and afraid of nuclear fallout
and covid
and people
who aren't afraid
​of these things

it is lonely down here
this space
which isn't space at all

i am suffocating
in this world
this requirement
of smiley lies

pleasantries
dead leaves
i spend hours raking
and bagging beautiful
rotten things

so i can belong

i built up these walls
and i don't want them
to come down

that girl i once was
i want to keep for myself
and myself alone

we are at war against ourselves
we are at war against each other

nothing changes

i watched a news clip
of a three year old boy
hiding in the rubble
in Ukraine

he said he knew what 
was happening
and he wasn't ready to die 

this world is a rotten place
build a wall around yourself
and hope that child
dreams of  bricks 
surrounding him

we are headed for a breakdown
of everything we have ever known

accept that normalcy 
is gone
grieve already
stop pretending
this is  ok

 time is wavering
in this place where
 eyes never close

live with the crows
wake when they blink

the man with no face
 is my guide

on occasion
he takes his shadow hat
off

 kneel in the dark 
listening to the nothing
is everything

at the graveyard of my soul
sparrows braid my hair
i learn what no one
else wants to know

we tally the losses
the man with no face
laughs when i cry

he peels his head apart
the souls inside
are just hands grabbing at me

he tells me 
you can't save them
your light is mine 
my dark is yours

everything you want
you will have

i am your nothing
i am your  everything

look in the mirror
my dear
what do you see?