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yesterday I read that Covid19 is declining
yesterday I also read that it is at its worst vaccinated parents are taking their unvaccinated on children on trips to Hawaii no need to guess who doesn't make it back home in other news mass shootings every day some man in Florida broke into the home of two women and stabbed them to death the police said it was random like we trust their opinion schools are opening full time masks mandates are slipping is it just me or is this the worst possible time to leave your house? I am visiting my family on mothers day weekend but other then leaving the house today to go to the pet store to get my anxious pandemic puppy chew toys so she won't get depressed and attempt to lick the electrical sockets I would like to lick the outlets myself nothing is right everything is off it is like I am looking at one of those magic eye posters and everyone in the world is seeing the image reveal itself but I am not or everyone is like me and not seeing it either but pretending so I am a lemming now we all are and all of this insanity is mass suicide beginnings can only happen after some sort of ending the pandemic hasn't ended new vaccine "facts" are changed on the hour as for the CDC and the FDA I wouldn't let them take care of my dog the facts about how to keep a dog alive might change for them while I am gone and I will end up coming home to a dead pup propaganda is a form of manipulation teens on TikTok have vaccine loyalism read that again and again until it sinks in this isn't a vampire romance novel team Edward and team Jacob are now team Pfizer and Moderna It is fucking weird a bizarro Twilight Zone welcome to the church of big brother pharmaceuticals our new nationalism has arrived
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on a good day she leaves the house wanders through the aisles of the supermarket looking at food she has no appetite to eat she buys a new toy for Alison she goes back to the house and takes a nap before her daughter gets home from school dinner is cereal and toast or canned soup and crackers when they talk it is about things that happened to to Alison at school or about tv shows they watch together they don't talk about him after dinner Dawn has taken to spending hours in the bathtub drinking whatever alcohol she can find in the house while Alison watches cartoons in the next room tonight it is whiskey last night it was wine she takes hot baths watches her skin turn red and wills herself to stay put until the bathwater is cold and she is shivering her hollowness is growing spreading in to every corner of the house the whiskey burns her throat hits her empty stomach like a punch Alison has started climbing in to bed with her at night like when she was a toddler she tries to comfort her but she can't even comfort herself instead they are just lonely together Dawn has lost so much weight that hugging her daughter hurts he used to yell at her for things like this letting Alison crawl into bed with them at night when she couldn't sleep letting her leave the light on because she was afraid of the dark Alison would cry and Dawn would have to sleep on the floor of her room he didn't speak to her for months after that she never understood why as if having compassion for her own child was an unforgivable weakness he wasn't a good husband he wasn't a good father and now she isn't a good mother she takes another drink from the bottle then another one until her eyes start to water a terrible thought works its way inside her and starts to blister what if she was only good in comparison to him? the water is cold Dawn puts the bottle on the floor draws her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around them she has to get up go be a good mother now but she doesn't know what that is anymore she doesn't know who she is anymore Dawn presses her spine into the icy porcelain and prays that it grinds her bones to dust time creeps at the edge of night in the cusp of morning is when all the strange hangs out at my house 2:25am I hear a scraping sound on the back porch ghosts are roaming about peeking in through the windows no it is an alien that has come to take me for a ufo night cruise no it is some serial killer with a penchant for thin small screwdrivers he is carving my death letter on the deck a small sound like a pebble dropping comes from downstairs I shouldn't have bought that vintage dollhouse it is most likely haunted the dolls are probably angry their tiny liquor bottles are just plastic right now they are arming themselves with toothpicks to stab me in the cornea when I fall asleep I won't fall asleep until it is light outside I hear a book drop in the next room sounds are flying at me from every direction it is too late to sage the house all the smoke alarms will go off my husband is dead asleep the dogs are asleep he isn't snoring how unusual I check to see if he is breathing he is I can't sleep with all this activity footsteps and breathing the faint sound of a radio in the distance I turn the hall light on shut the bedroom door so I can't hear the downstairs sounds growing louder in the slit of light underneath the door I can see a dark shadow someone is standing there the light flickers or did I just blink? I don't know I hear water running a knock on the wall another knock please no more knocks is that dust on the wall? why is there dust on the wall? maybe I should dust the walls no I am not going downstairs to get the duster the dolls the shadow man the aliens and the ghosts are outside this room and oh my God! they are probably in here too I will just turn on all the lights ok I am fine it is only about four more hours until Jeremy wakes up and the sun comes out I will just watch a cooking show on my computer and wear these rosary beads like a necklace and not look in the direction of my closet door because it is slightly open I know I definitely closed that 2:58 am the witching hour is only twos minute away if things get worse... shit did the closet door just open another inch? I am just going to wake Jeremy up convince him to watch diners, drive ins and dives with me until 4:00 and then maybe I will fall asleep I shouldn't have drank caffeine after 3pm or ate all that chocolate at night now I will have nightmares if I do fall asleep I just won't sleep until tonight get myself back on a normal sleeping schedule maybe while I am at it I can declutter take up jogging learn to meditate drink kale smoothies wait ... what was that noise? the minotaur
was meant for sacrifice but Poseidon made Pasiphae the wife of Minos fall in love with him as a punishment her child the minotaur was trapped in a labyrinth the minotaur dies killed by some hero or villain depending on your perspective in dreams a minotaur symbolizes a person that is being intentionally horrible my dreams are a gateway the signs are a yellow brick road a cerebral rabbit hole in the dream I live with an eccentric family their mansion has underground caves unknown archeological sites vortexes of power we all take polaroid pictures the photos are coins spilled on the floor at a fancy restaurant I have too many bags to carry two women sitting in a corner hate me but I feel fine because two isn't too many upon leaving the restaurant I am given a gift a silver spoon in a silver bag the receipt is a note from X that reads enjoy your soup I wish you the best this confuses me because I am not eating soup and he does not give gifts I return to eccentric mansion we discuss the art of mundane poorly lit polaroids I look for my daughter who is still a baby in underground tunnels that lead to etchings on stones I draw power from the ancient symbols I know that I am one of them now I fall asleep in a feather bed I dream of a minotaur in the dream I wake up and remind myself to remember the minotaur to remember the gift of the silver spoon I do message received she barely recognizes herself
with her hair dyed blond and all the weight she has lost since she left he won't be able to find her he didn't even know she had a grandmother or of the house she inherited from her two years ago that was when she still believed he might change before that one black eye turned in to many she kept telling herself he wasn't hurting Alison things would be fine but her daughter had been younger then asleep by eight his fights with her muffled by the television she would tell her she hit her eye on a cabinet corner that she sprained her wrist moving the tv to dust underneath the broken bottles on the floor was just another clumsy mommy accident she doesn't have to lie anymore Alison is safe in her bed in their new home the moving men have left she will stay up all night putting things the way she likes them he isn't here to tell her what to do now or how she should be this house feels too big without him taking all the air too quiet without his heavy footsteps on the stairs she left at night while he was passed out drunk after some particularly brutal "makeup" sex that he felt entitled to because he came home with flowers and had finished his 6th beer just two suitcases and her daughter drove through the night stopping only once at a diner because Alison wanted pancakes when they arrived in town she used the key her grandmother had left to see what furniture had been saved in the storage unit it was enough to furnish the house she can't believe she actually went through with it she should be happy but instead she feels hollow as if she were a cantaloupe half spoon-carved of all seed and flesh ![]() this man asleep in bed beside me I am going to tell you a secret about us we saved each other met at a poetry reading it wasn't love at first sight which is always trouble anyway no it wasn't like that we were two angry loners I was the angry feminist poet he was the angry punk rock poet we saved each other seats at poetry night because we didn't care about people or being liked and this was what we had in common telling our stories without the pretty my horrible x boyfriend who could barely read came to a poetry night where I performed as he drunkenly shouted things about my body while I read intense poetry about being abused by men like him I was mortified we were sitting next to my future husband and I didn't know he was my future but I kept moving closer until our legs touched because boyfriend wasn't a safe guy I had to leave early that night nothing worse than being a feminist poet and being with a hick Trump supporter who doesn't understand words and thinks women are just holes to be fucked said boyfriend was quite upset with me that night and insisted I was going to marry Jeremy called me all the names no woman wants to be called but I didn't know Jeremy my future husband and said the truth that I barely knew him this night I try hard to forget 98% sure it was the night A hole boyfriend gave me HPV and possibly cervical cancer I stared at a crack in the ceiling glad for the alcohol in my system I should have left him sooner but I hated myself I thought I deserved it I had a hard time leaving he had two daughters that I had become attached to because I was missing my own daughter hubby and I still laugh because asshole boyfriend predicted our future wondering if maybe Trump lover had the psychic touch it is funny how things work out opposites really don't attract they end up in disaster now I am with my soul mate my shadow twin we met each other in darkness and now we share the light to my shadow twin my best friend my husband I am glad we found each other now that the world is ending I don't mind so much because we have each other I love you more than you know there are some things you need to know,
new mommy because now that I have lost my daughter to the bullshit being smeared about me it is time to set the record straight before I leave town there is no point in me sticking around when I no longer have a relationship with my daughter this town is excruciatingly expensive I chose it for the best schools something you both forgot to think about anyway that man you are with is a pathological liar not only does he lie about money he lied about the custody agreement he lied about child support he lied to you about changing the contract he blackmailed me he wanted me out of the picture so he could keep you in the dark he has a dark side his college girl porn addiction is why he missed most of his daughters early years he would come home from work lock himself in the bathroom and go at it for hours he told me he did it at work too you know he worked in a woman's prison right? he was friends with all the guards that raped women and always acted surprised but he knew that and the fact that we slept in separate bedrooms so he could text other women while I took care of my child who was in pain from a disease he said didn't exist he just called me crazy like he still does and it is so sad that you believe him because one day you will be the crazy one that is just how men like him are on our 10th wedding anniversary I made all the plans because it was always an inconvenience to him he got really drunk and asked for a threesome he passed out drunk and I cried it was just so unromantic I just wanted you to know since you are now taking my place I happily gave him up but I love my daughter and it isn't cool that you a fellow mother keeps pretending that I am the enemy I know you have already caught some of his lies you seem like a smart woman so am I and my mothering might be over but my trauma from being treated like shit is not I don't believe that lying constitutes a good relationship and it isn't a good model for a child thanks again for taking my place it won't be an easy road have I mentioned I miss my daughter? snow hating haiku please go away snow I do not want you right now dismal white wasteland oral surgery haiku sharp tools in my mouth valium isn't helping open wider please sad mom haiku mom is forgotten pick up your phone when I call my heart can't take this depressing dream haiku daughter ignores me while I stand in my own yard she stands with her dad anxiety haiku I can't feel my feet my mind is spinning what ifs it hurts to breathe deep end of the world haiku bad news tomorrow each day pandemic gets worse death has a loud knock government sucks haiku lies are getting old the system is broken now while we fight they win ghosts haiku no more visits please how many times must I sage be gone already she isn't doing so well she has three kids twin girls that look like something out of The Shining and a little boy that is from another time she is on her third husband and although he doesn't beat her he can barely read and leaves much to the imagination he couldn't have kids of his own because of some freak snow mobile accident Miller Light was involved she is just glad he doesn't like whiskey that means he won't be stealing hers the pandemic is hitting them hard she thinks one of the twins is haunted or possessed she doesn't eat much and stands in corners she thinks she can hear her walking on the ceiling at night the boy stares out windows all day he is the poetic type he likes birds and watching strong breezes third husband has the patience of a saint but again he still sounds out words and he is in his mid-forties Lola spent all day reading self-help books in bed her poetic boy kept her company while announcing beautiful things he saw from the window to cheer her up Mama I saw a yellow bird Mama I saw a cloud shaped like an elephant third husband makes an appearance around dinner time his frustration is a wilted feather he makes scrambled eggs for the twins and chases his worries with some beers Lola lies in bed in the shitty attic room because her house is too small she stares at the peeling wallpaper drinks whiskey her son holds her hand in the dark he says Mama tomorrow I am going to find my crayons I am going to draw you a picture so beautiful all you can do is smile the whiskey has numbed her but the sweetness of her boy makes her eyes start to tear she tells him to go get his favorite book The Little Engine that Could he runs off to find it the ceiling spins like a pinwheel she says a little prayer to the yellow bird in the tree whose song made her son smile and then drifts off to a spiraled sleep she is falling she knows this is a dream and makes no attempt to fly what a relief to to know that she will soon hit ground and shatter into a million pieces the calm before the storm is an immaculate lie a thunder cloud has been summoned how unwise to keep basking in a faded sun when the energy of black clouds can be harnessed a fortune tellers tears are worth your time when time is all there is and time is running out you keep tempting fate as if you had the power to make it submit fate isn't a dog at your heels you are the dog you are only re-folding the already worn creases thinking this is just the first time when it is the millionth the signs are all around you trip on them daily they wake you at night the grim reaper sits in a corner shuffling a deck of cards it won't be much longer the family he is waiting on is at some public outing he smiles he has been smiling a lot lately he is after all so close to retirement |
AuthorMichelle Tinklepaugh Archives
June 2023
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