yesterday I read that Covid19 is declining
yesterday I also read that it is at its worst

vaccinated parents are taking
their unvaccinated on children on trips to Hawaii
no need to guess who doesn't make it back home

in other news
mass shootings every day
some man in Florida broke into
the home of two women and stabbed
them to death
the police said it was random
like we trust their opinion

schools are opening full time 
masks mandates are slipping
is it just me or is this the worst possible time
to leave your house?

I am visiting my family
on mothers day weekend
but other then leaving the house today
to go to the pet store
to get my anxious pandemic puppy
​chew toys so she won't get depressed
and attempt to lick the electrical sockets

I would like to lick the outlets myself
nothing is right everything is off
it is like I am looking at one of
those magic eye posters
and everyone in the world is seeing 
the image reveal itself but I am not
or everyone is like me and not seeing it either
but pretending 

so I am a lemming now
we all are and all of this insanity
is mass suicide
beginnings can only happen
after some sort of ending
the pandemic hasn't ended

new vaccine "facts" are changed on the hour
as for the CDC and  the FDA
I wouldn't let them take care of my dog
the facts about how to keep a dog alive
might change for them while I am gone
and I will end up coming home 
to a dead pup

propaganda is a form of manipulation
teens on TikTok have vaccine loyalism
read that again and again until it sinks in

this isn't a vampire romance novel
team Edward and team Jacob are now
team Pfizer and Moderna 
It is fucking weird
a bizarro Twilight Zone

welcome to the church
​of big brother pharmaceuticals
our new nationalism has arrived

on a good day she leaves the house
wanders through the aisles of the supermarket
looking at food she has no appetite to eat
she buys a new toy for Alison
she goes back to the house and takes a nap
before her daughter gets home from school

dinner is cereal and toast
or canned soup and crackers
when they talk it is about
things that happened to
to Alison at school
or  about tv shows
they watch together
they don't talk about him

after dinner
Dawn has taken to spending
hours in the bathtub
drinking whatever
alcohol she can find in the house
while Alison watches
cartoons in the next room

tonight it is whiskey 
last night it was wine
she takes hot baths
watches her skin turn red
and wills herself to stay put
until the bathwater is cold
and she is shivering

her hollowness is growing
spreading in to every corner
of the house
the whiskey burns her throat
hits her empty stomach
like a punch

Alison has started climbing in to bed 
with her at night
like when she was a toddler
she tries to comfort her
but she can't even comfort herself
instead they are just lonely together
Dawn has lost so much weight
that hugging her daughter hurts

he used to yell at her for things like this
letting Alison crawl into bed with them
at night when she couldn't sleep 
letting her leave the light on
because she was afraid of the dark
Alison would cry and Dawn
would have to sleep
on the floor of her room 
he didn't speak to her for months
after that 
she never understood why
as if having compassion for her own
child was an unforgivable weakness

he wasn't a good husband
he wasn't a good father
and now she isn't a good mother
she takes another drink from the 
bottle then another one until
her eyes start to water

a terrible thought
works its way inside 
her and starts to blister
what if she was only good
in comparison to him?

the water is cold
Dawn puts the bottle
on the floor
draws her knees up 
to her chest and wraps
her arms around them

she has to get up 
go be a good mother now 
but she doesn't know 
what that is anymore
she doesn't know who
she is anymore

Dawn presses her spine
into the icy porcelain
and prays 
that it grinds her
bones to dust

time creeps
at the edge of night
in the cusp of morning
is when all the strange
hangs out at my house

 2:25am
I hear a scraping sound 
on the back porch
​ ghosts are roaming about
peeking in through
the windows

no it is an alien that has come 
to take me for a ufo night cruise

no
it is some serial killer
with a penchant for thin
small screwdrivers
he is carving my death
letter on the deck

a small sound
like a pebble dropping
comes from downstairs

I shouldn't have bought
that vintage dollhouse
it is most likely haunted
the dolls are probably
angry their tiny
liquor bottles are just plastic
right now they are arming
themselves with toothpicks 
to stab me in the cornea
when I fall asleep

I won't fall asleep
until it is light outside

I hear a book drop in 
the next room
sounds are flying at me
from every direction
it is too late to sage the house
all the smoke alarms will go off

my husband is dead asleep
the dogs are asleep
he isn't snoring 
how unusual
I check to see 
if he is breathing
he is 

I can't sleep with all this activity
footsteps and breathing
the faint sound of a radio
in the distance

I turn the hall light on
shut the bedroom door so 
I can't hear the downstairs
sounds growing louder

in the slit of light
underneath the door
I can see a dark shadow
someone is standing there
the light flickers
or did I just blink?
I don't know

I hear water running
a knock on the wall
another knock
please
no more knocks

is that dust on the wall?
why is there dust on the wall?
maybe I should dust the walls
no I am not going downstairs
to get the duster 

the dolls
the shadow man
the aliens
and the ghosts
are outside this room

and oh my God!
they are 
probably in here too

I will just turn on all the lights
ok I am fine
it is only about four more 
hours until Jeremy wakes up
and the sun comes out

I will just watch a cooking show
on my computer
and wear these rosary beads 
like a necklace
and not look in the direction
of my closet door 
because it is slightly open
I know I definitely closed that

2:58 am
the witching hour
is only twos minute away
if things get worse...
shit did the closet door
just open another inch?

I am just going to wake Jeremy up
convince him to watch 
diners, drive ins and dives with me
until 4:00 and then maybe 
I will fall asleep

I shouldn't have drank caffeine
after 3pm or ate all that chocolate at night
now I will have nightmares
if I do fall asleep

I just won't sleep until tonight
get myself back on
a normal sleeping schedule
maybe while I am at it
I can declutter
take up jogging
learn to meditate
drink kale smoothies
wait ...
​
what was that noise?

the minotaur
was meant for sacrifice

but Poseidon made
Pasiphae the wife of Minos
fall in love with him
​
as a punishment
her child the minotaur
was trapped in a labyrinth

the minotaur dies
killed by some hero
or villain depending
on your 
perspective

in dreams a minotaur 
symbolizes a person
that is being intentionally
horrible

my dreams are a gateway
the signs are
a yellow brick road
a cerebral rabbit hole

in the dream
I live with an eccentric family
their mansion has
underground caves
unknown archeological sites
vortexes of power

we all take polaroid pictures
the photos are coins spilled
on the floor

at a fancy restaurant
I have too many bags to carry
two women sitting in a corner
hate me
but I feel fine because
two isn't too many

upon leaving 
the restaurant 
I am given a gift

a silver spoon
in a silver bag
the receipt is a note
from X that reads
enjoy your soup
I wish you the best

this confuses me
because I am not
eating soup
and he does not
give gifts

I return to eccentric mansion
we discuss the art of mundane
poorly lit polaroids

I look for my daughter
who is still a baby
in underground tunnels

that lead to etchings on stones
I draw power from
the ancient symbols

​I  know
​that I am one of them now
I fall asleep in a feather bed

I dream of a minotaur
in the dream
I wake up
and remind myself 

to remember the minotaur 
to remember the gift
of the silver spoon

​I do
message received

she barely recognizes herself
with her hair dyed blond
and all the weight she has lost
since she left

he won't be able 
to find her
he didn't even know
she had a grandmother
or of the house she inherited
from her two years ago

that was when 
she still believed
he might change
before that one black eye
turned in to many

she kept telling herself
he wasn't hurting Alison
things would be fine
but her daughter
had been younger then
asleep by eight
his fights with her
muffled
by the television

she would tell her 
she hit her eye on
a cabinet corner
that she sprained
her wrist moving the tv
to dust underneath
the broken bottles on the floor
was just another
clumsy mommy accident

she doesn't have to lie anymore
Alison is safe in her bed
in their new home
the moving men have left
she will stay up all night
 putting things
the way she likes them
he isn't here to tell her 
what to do now
or how she should be

this house feels too big 
without him taking all the air
too quiet without
his heavy footsteps on the stairs

she left at night
while he was passed out drunk
after some particularly
brutal "makeup" sex
that he felt entitled to
because he came home with flowers
and had finished his 6th beer

just two suitcases and her daughter
drove through the night
stopping only once at a diner
because Alison wanted pancakes

when they arrived in town
she used the key her grandmother
had left to see what furniture
had been saved in the storage unit
it was enough to furnish the house

she can't believe 
she actually went through with it
she should be happy
but instead she feels hollow
as if she were a cantaloupe half
spoon-carved
​of all seed and flesh

this man 
asleep in bed
beside me
I am going to tell you 
a secret about us
we saved each other

met at a poetry reading
it wasn't love at first sight
which is always trouble
anyway
no it wasn't like that
we were two angry loners
I was the angry feminist poet
he was the angry punk rock poet

we saved each other
seats
at poetry night
because we didn't care
about people
or being liked
and this was what 
we had in common
telling our stories
without the pretty

my horrible x boyfriend
who could barely read
came to a poetry night
where I performed
as he drunkenly shouted 
things about my body
while I read
intense poetry about
being abused by men
like him

I was mortified
we were sitting next 
to my future husband
and I didn't know
he was my future
but I kept moving closer
until our legs touched
because boyfriend
wasn't a safe guy

I had to leave early 
that night
nothing worse
than being a feminist poet
and being with
a hick Trump supporter
who doesn't understand words
and thinks women are just
holes to be fucked

said boyfriend
was quite upset with me
that night and insisted
I was going to marry Jeremy
called me all the names
no woman wants to be called
but I didn't know Jeremy
my future husband 
and said  the truth
that I barely knew him

this night
I try hard to forget
 98% sure it was the night
 A hole boyfriend gave me HPV
and possibly cervical cancer
I stared at a crack
in the ceiling glad for the 
alcohol in my system

I should have left him sooner
but I hated myself
I thought I deserved it
I had a hard time leaving
he had two daughters
that I had become attached to
because I was missing my own
daughter 

hubby and I still laugh 
because asshole boyfriend
predicted our future
wondering if 
maybe Trump lover
had the psychic touch

it is funny how things work out
opposites really don't attract
they end up in disaster

now I am with my soul mate
my shadow twin
we met each other in darkness
and now we share the light

to my shadow twin
my best friend
my husband
I am glad we found each other
​
now that the world is ending
I don't mind so much
​because we have each other

I love you more than you know

there are some things you need to know,
new mommy
because now that I have lost my daughter
to the bullshit being smeared about me

it is time to set the record straight
before I leave town
there is no point in me sticking around
when I no longer have a relationship
with my daughter

this town is excruciatingly expensive
I chose it for the best schools
something you both forgot to think about

anyway that man you are with
is a pathological liar
not only does he lie about money
he lied about the custody agreement
he lied about child support
he lied to you about changing the contract
he blackmailed me
he wanted me out of the picture
so he could keep you in the dark

he has a dark side
his college girl porn addiction
is why he missed most
of his daughters early years
he would come home from work
lock himself in the bathroom
and go at it for hours
he told me he did it at work too
you know he worked in a woman's 
prison right?
he was friends with all the guards
that raped women
and always acted surprised
but he knew 

that and the fact that 
we slept in separate bedrooms
so he could text other women
while I took care of  my child
who was in pain from a disease
he said didn't exist
he just called me crazy
like he still does
and it is so sad that you believe him
because one day you will be the crazy one
that is just how men like him are

on our 10th wedding anniversary
I made all the plans because it 
was always an inconvenience to him
he got really drunk and asked for a threesome
he passed out drunk
and I cried it was just so unromantic

I just wanted you to know
since you are now taking my place
I happily gave him up
but I love my daughter 
and it isn't cool that you 
a fellow mother keeps pretending
that I am the enemy
I know you have already caught
some of his lies 
you seem like a smart woman
so am I 
and my mothering might be over
but my trauma from being treated
like shit is not
I don't believe that lying 
constitutes a good relationship
and it isn't a good model for a child

thanks again for taking my place
it won't be an easy road
have I mentioned I miss my daughter?

snow hating haiku

please go away snow
I do not want you right now
dismal white wasteland

oral surgery haiku

sharp tools in my mouth
valium isn't helping
open wider please

sad mom haiku

mom is forgotten
pick up your phone when I call
my heart can't take this

depressing dream haiku

daughter ignores me
while I stand in my own yard
she stands with her dad

anxiety haiku

I can't feel my feet
my mind is spinning what ifs
it hurts to breathe deep

end of the world haiku

bad news tomorrow
each day pandemic gets worse
death has a loud knock

government sucks haiku

lies are getting old
the system is broken now
while we fight they win

ghosts haiku

no more visits please
how many times must I sage
be gone already

​she isn't doing so well
she has three kids
twin girls that look
like something
out of The Shining
and a little boy
that is from another time

she is on her third husband
and although he doesn't beat her
he can barely read and leaves much
to the imagination

he couldn't have kids of his own
because of some freak snow mobile
accident
Miller Light was involved
she is just glad he doesn't like whiskey
that means he won't be stealing hers

the pandemic is hitting them hard
she thinks one of the twins is haunted
or possessed
she doesn't eat much
and stands in corners
she thinks she can hear
her walking on the ceiling at night

the boy
stares out windows all day
he is the poetic type
he likes birds and watching 
strong breezes

third husband
has the patience of a saint
but again he still sounds 
out words and he is in his mid-forties

Lola spent all day reading
self-help books in bed
her poetic boy
kept her company
while announcing 
beautiful things he saw from
the window to cheer her up

Mama I saw a yellow bird
Mama I saw a cloud shaped like an elephant
third husband makes an appearance
around dinner time
his frustration is a wilted feather
he makes scrambled eggs 
for the twins and chases his worries
with some beers

Lola lies in bed
in the shitty attic room
because her house is too small
she stares at the peeling wallpaper
drinks whiskey
her son holds her hand in the dark
he says Mama tomorrow
I am going to find my crayons
I am going to draw you a picture
so beautiful all you can do is smile

the whiskey has numbed her
but the sweetness of her boy
makes her eyes start to tear
she tells him to go get his 
favorite book
The Little Engine that Could
he runs off to find it

the ceiling spins like a pinwheel
she says a little prayer
to the yellow bird in the tree
whose song made her son smile
and then drifts off 
to a spiraled sleep

she is falling
she knows this is a dream
and makes no attempt to fly
what a relief
to to know that she will soon
hit ground
and shatter into a million pieces

the calm before the storm
is an immaculate lie
a thunder cloud
has been summoned

how unwise to keep
basking in a faded sun
when the energy of black clouds
can be harnessed

a fortune tellers tears
​are worth your time
when time is all there is
and time is running out

you keep tempting fate as if you
had the power to make it submit
fate isn't a dog at your heels
you are the dog

you are only re-folding 
the already worn creases
thinking this is just
the first time
when it is the millionth

the signs are all around
you trip on them daily
they wake you at night

the grim reaper
sits in a corner
shuffling a deck of cards
it won't be much longer
the family he is waiting on
is at some public outing 

he smiles
he has been smiling a lot lately
he is after all
​so close to retirement