the plague is here to stay
only the sad ones
know how to hold space
for hurt hearts

perhaps more dark days
can shed light
on what we have done
to get here

the pretenders
have moved on
to thinking they will
be the special ones to survive
not a second thought
to humanity's grave loss

maybe there can come
some profound understanding
out of all this grief
or maybe not

hope is draining
warnings come and go
the path of the righteous
is just a hole in the ground

vaccine or no vaccine
we are all in the same boat
and while it sinks
we blame each other
until our lungs fill with water

death is the great equalizer
upon our mossy beds
we will finally decide
to be friends again

today I found all the hope
I thought I had lost
in my daughter's eyes

as her voice carried through tears
we met at the place 
 in-between
both realizing we had lost
how to communicate
with each other
for far too long

the only way through
was to walk on this unsteady bridge
of the hurt we had been keeping inside
from missing each other

grief can be so lonely

she told me that sometimes
my dark was too much for her
and I told her the darkness
is where I find all the answers
I need to know

so I brought her along with me
so we could both find
what we needed to know
together

we saw that we
were both changing and growing
but pretending that things
could still be the same

we needed to see each other
in the present
so she walked through
the darkness with me
and I  saw her confidence begin
to shine again

we saw ourselves as we had been
and how we were now
this showed us how to see
one another again

mother/daughter
yin /yang

I passed my torch
so she could be the light
she needed to be
and I promised her
in the dark she could always
find me

to see things from
her perspective
as long as she could be
brave enough
to speak her truth

she went to sleep
with a warm glow

in the dark i sit awake
crying in release
for this reunion has been
​long awaited

the sun and moon
just aren't the same 
​without each other

can't sleep
​can't wake

living in the middle
memories shuffled like cards
I leave them scattered on a table
walking in the unlit rooms 
of my mind
trying to find something
that fills this emptiness

every sad thought 
is a splinter
that I don't bother
to dig out 
there are so many
in my skin now that
pushing others' buttons
hurts me more than it
hurts them

I suck at my wounds
and it looks like I am 
kissing my fingertips
this iron taste
reminds me that blood is life
 
my first steak
was in my  heart

with bloody 
fingers
I pick the cards off 
the table

turn over
the death card
again and again
all this time 
I thought I was playing
go fish

the scythe cuts
through the dark
revealing a door

the only way out
alway hurts
yet I keep
moving on

in the victorian language of flowers
love lies bleeding
means hopelessness

flowers used to be sent as messages
in a time when feelings were not allowed
to be spoken

those victorians in their stiff collars 
stifled in stuffed dresses
hid their romantic notions
in floral dictionaries

floriagraphy
was a form of poetry 
in a time when words that evoked 
intense feeling 
were considered improper
outlandish
eccentric

although those times are long gone
we still hide our tears
choke on words
if they have any meaning
covering ourselves in layers
that we spend a lifetime
longing for someone else to peel away

love lies bleeding 
is a flower for today
as we watch the world die
let's remember
what beauty there is
in hopelessness

 remember
that floral offerings used to exist
because humanity was so stilted and cold
they had to create a new language
so they would not have to speak the words
they actually meant

love lies bleeding
​is the flower given
at the very end
​
its red velvety blooms
hang weeping
like the person who receives them
who undoubtedly knows
there is no future

the alchemy
of power
lies in suffering

you are the mother 
of sighs
the betrayed 
the rejected

the dead 
reach out to you
for they haven't forgotten
how to feel
how to remember

​pain is timeless
unlike joy which is fleeting
forgotten easily like a dime store toy
we always return to our roots
our wounds

secrets have a way 
of working themselves out
even when left too long

in the shadows
ghosts surround you

mother of sighs
mother of tears
your face flickers in the light
but you will always
own the dark

I have always been beside myself
watching this body I slip into
when I don't feel like
drifting

she is me
I am them
when spirits drift too close
I leave here
relive another life
in another time

the only sure thing
is that every trip ends in death
the only way to come back to my 
body
is to remember
some benign but poignant
memory only I lived

me in my twenties
as a waitress at a diner
too sad to wait on people
I spend my meager tips of change
on the juke box
playing old sad songs
while the food gets cold on the counter

​tumbling through space and time
I fall into this body
that I reject each day

this is how the dead live
when they can't move on
each day is an eternity
where they travel from memory
to memory
only to come home
to a body buried
to a body burned
to a family that
has forgotten them

they wander
until they find a place 
to rest
right now
they are resting here

with me
knowing that I am
reckless
restless
escape is just 
a thought away

they feed me memories
when I don't want to remember
my own
and I
​give them a home

​

saw XX today
he keeps pretending
he isn't who he is
only I seem to know his con-man ways
his Ponzi scheme is getting married

he is probably fanning himself
with twenty dollar bills right now
in some hotel room
while he laughs at the fact that
he is getting away with just 40 bucks
a month in child support
pretty sure there is a dead body 
in his basement

I hexed him a month ago
but I didn't see any shit in his loafers
so maybe it didn't work
from all the wine i drank
or maybe it was the living room demons
making rabbit ears behind my back
while I tried to concentrate

tonight I banished the demons
that seem to appear 
when he is near
they hang out in my living room
 and when I am angry 
they multiply like lice
in a classroom full of kids

I chanted to Hecate
until I saw myself
in the flame
so many lifetimes ago
dancing naked in the fire
of night
manipulating the stars
as I rearranged my fate

that demon with the ever staring eye
was stubborn
like me
like him
all my spirits watched
with their mouths open
in an O or a smile
I think they were just glad
I let them stay

it took over an hour
I had to pee the entire time
afterwards an underworld owl
appeared in the window
with dogs of all sizes
sitting at attention below
to watch over me

I looked at the picture
I had taken before the banishing
next to the demon
was the angel of death
crow feather wings spread wide
I saw my face in his guts
blonde hair and all
wearing a ram's head hat

I am an aries
so it seemed like
an ominous message
oh well
the ghost dogs
should keep him at bay for awhile

at least we are both into astrology
what else is there to say
that I wish I had been in his heart
instead of his bowels?

the thing about hearts 
is they never let go
but the bowels always do

being shit out in the afterlife
is freedom enough for me

the angel of death
is always beside me
I am not sure why

in fact he is sitting beside me
right now
and I can't help thinking
of that blue oyster cult song
which isn't very comforting

it reminds me of long car rides
as a child
where I sat in the backseat
car sick
smelling my parent's cigarette smoke
hoping that the wind from the
rolled down window
would carry me away

his face is
a smiling skull
I have seen him with a scythe
and without a scythe 
his wings like black fire

sometimes he just appears as a shadow
behind me
his hand on my shoulder

now that I have made friends
with my demons
maybe I should just learn to 
hang with the grim reaper
he certainly seems to like me

at night when I hear the ghosts
calling
he never leaves me alone
our bond is a thousand years old

he knows I am drifting
so he tells me 
that life is just one long
car ride
and maybe it is time
to think about parking

in the candle light
his face is grim
his mouth a cave
that I want to explore

the man with the dead eyes
is the father of your only child
he lies
he takes
he watches you drown in his spite

and maybe you are done
with holding all his secrets
that make you sick
that drive a wedge between
who you were and who you want to be

his smile is empty
he uses his words sparingly
like razor blades on pertinent arteries
and the woman he gifted your authority to
is an ice queen
each day she teaches your daughter
to deny who she is 
freeze her emotions
you die a little more

the dead women
seethe in the background at the injustice
and you toast them with your wine
they don't want you to lose a daughter
like they did
their murderers had the same dead eyes
and told the same lies
and the women that protected them
were just as bad
they sacrificed the children
so they could preserve their faux happiness
in tupper ware

these people that kill hearts 
without a second thought
are the same people 
that encouraged the families at Jonestown
to drink the poisoned kool-aid
to preserve the life they built on lies

so you worry
because you know death
comes in all forms
your daughter is drinking the kool-aid
as the dead eyed ice people
hush her and tell her 
something better is waiting
all the while knowing what they took
from her and why
and seeing how they don't
give a shit

walking barefoot 
through my small town streets
the pebbles sticking to my feet
was one of those ways
I used to know
I was alive

inside my childhood home
the curtains were always drawn
even in the summer
the windows shut
clouds of cigarette smoke
permeated everything

summertime was freedom
I wandered
there was no money for 
summer camps
my parents worked
and after my chores
I was free to explore

I walked alone
ran into kids from school
I didn't know that well
who also were too poor
for summer camp

I watched a boy eat the worm
out of his Dad's tequila bottle
he showed me how to shoplift
and I never got caught
he always had bruises on his face
but only wanted to cheer me up

he smoked stolen cigarettes
in a flat-tired RV in his driveway
told me to come back anytime
and stood at the end of his driveway
when I left
I walked downtown
and sat near the boat docks
I watched the boats in the harbor
wondering what it would be like
to drift without fear

on the way home
I met up with another girl from school
the younger sister of a football star
their parents were divorced
we watched MTV videos
and she made us fried dough
she told me about her boyfriend
she walked around in bikini bottoms
and a belly t-shirt
and I thought how 
I wanted to be like her

I walked home at dusk
all the men were getting out from
the shipyard
and they hooted and hollered
at my lone form walking the sidewalk
I learned to walk through backyards
I stopped at swing sets to swing
I picked peas from private gardens
and ate them on my way home

when I arrived
I always stood at the door for too long
took a breath and sighed
like I was kissing the world goodnight

I knew what was inside
the dark smoke
of angry unsaid things
that permeated everything
and my sadness
was there too
clinging to the windows
like a moth trying to find
its way out