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the plague is here to stay
only the sad ones know how to hold space for hurt hearts perhaps more dark days can shed light on what we have done to get here the pretenders have moved on to thinking they will be the special ones to survive not a second thought to humanity's grave loss maybe there can come some profound understanding out of all this grief or maybe not hope is draining warnings come and go the path of the righteous is just a hole in the ground vaccine or no vaccine we are all in the same boat and while it sinks we blame each other until our lungs fill with water death is the great equalizer upon our mossy beds we will finally decide to be friends again
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today I found all the hope I thought I had lost in my daughter's eyes as her voice carried through tears we met at the place in-between both realizing we had lost how to communicate with each other for far too long the only way through was to walk on this unsteady bridge of the hurt we had been keeping inside from missing each other grief can be so lonely she told me that sometimes my dark was too much for her and I told her the darkness is where I find all the answers I need to know so I brought her along with me so we could both find what we needed to know together we saw that we were both changing and growing but pretending that things could still be the same we needed to see each other in the present so she walked through the darkness with me and I saw her confidence begin to shine again we saw ourselves as we had been and how we were now this showed us how to see one another again mother/daughter yin /yang I passed my torch so she could be the light she needed to be and I promised her in the dark she could always find me to see things from her perspective as long as she could be brave enough to speak her truth she went to sleep with a warm glow in the dark i sit awake crying in release for this reunion has been long awaited the sun and moon just aren't the same without each other can't sleep
can't wake living in the middle memories shuffled like cards I leave them scattered on a table walking in the unlit rooms of my mind trying to find something that fills this emptiness every sad thought is a splinter that I don't bother to dig out there are so many in my skin now that pushing others' buttons hurts me more than it hurts them I suck at my wounds and it looks like I am kissing my fingertips this iron taste reminds me that blood is life my first steak was in my heart with bloody fingers I pick the cards off the table turn over the death card again and again all this time I thought I was playing go fish the scythe cuts through the dark revealing a door the only way out alway hurts yet I keep moving on in the victorian language of flowers love lies bleeding means hopelessness flowers used to be sent as messages in a time when feelings were not allowed to be spoken those victorians in their stiff collars stifled in stuffed dresses hid their romantic notions in floral dictionaries floriagraphy was a form of poetry in a time when words that evoked intense feeling were considered improper outlandish eccentric although those times are long gone we still hide our tears choke on words if they have any meaning covering ourselves in layers that we spend a lifetime longing for someone else to peel away love lies bleeding is a flower for today as we watch the world die let's remember what beauty there is in hopelessness remember that floral offerings used to exist because humanity was so stilted and cold they had to create a new language so they would not have to speak the words they actually meant love lies bleeding is the flower given at the very end its red velvety blooms hang weeping like the person who receives them who undoubtedly knows there is no future the alchemy of power lies in suffering you are the mother of sighs the betrayed the rejected the dead reach out to you for they haven't forgotten how to feel how to remember pain is timeless unlike joy which is fleeting forgotten easily like a dime store toy we always return to our roots our wounds secrets have a way of working themselves out even when left too long in the shadows ghosts surround you mother of sighs mother of tears your face flickers in the light but you will always own the dark I have always been beside myself
watching this body I slip into when I don't feel like drifting she is me I am them when spirits drift too close I leave here relive another life in another time the only sure thing is that every trip ends in death the only way to come back to my body is to remember some benign but poignant memory only I lived me in my twenties as a waitress at a diner too sad to wait on people I spend my meager tips of change on the juke box playing old sad songs while the food gets cold on the counter tumbling through space and time I fall into this body that I reject each day this is how the dead live when they can't move on each day is an eternity where they travel from memory to memory only to come home to a body buried to a body burned to a family that has forgotten them they wander until they find a place to rest right now they are resting here with me knowing that I am reckless restless escape is just a thought away they feed me memories when I don't want to remember my own and I give them a home saw XX today
he keeps pretending he isn't who he is only I seem to know his con-man ways his Ponzi scheme is getting married he is probably fanning himself with twenty dollar bills right now in some hotel room while he laughs at the fact that he is getting away with just 40 bucks a month in child support pretty sure there is a dead body in his basement I hexed him a month ago but I didn't see any shit in his loafers so maybe it didn't work from all the wine i drank or maybe it was the living room demons making rabbit ears behind my back while I tried to concentrate tonight I banished the demons that seem to appear when he is near they hang out in my living room and when I am angry they multiply like lice in a classroom full of kids I chanted to Hecate until I saw myself in the flame so many lifetimes ago dancing naked in the fire of night manipulating the stars as I rearranged my fate that demon with the ever staring eye was stubborn like me like him all my spirits watched with their mouths open in an O or a smile I think they were just glad I let them stay it took over an hour I had to pee the entire time afterwards an underworld owl appeared in the window with dogs of all sizes sitting at attention below to watch over me I looked at the picture I had taken before the banishing next to the demon was the angel of death crow feather wings spread wide I saw my face in his guts blonde hair and all wearing a ram's head hat I am an aries so it seemed like an ominous message oh well the ghost dogs should keep him at bay for awhile at least we are both into astrology what else is there to say that I wish I had been in his heart instead of his bowels? the thing about hearts is they never let go but the bowels always do being shit out in the afterlife is freedom enough for me the angel of death
is always beside me I am not sure why in fact he is sitting beside me right now and I can't help thinking of that blue oyster cult song which isn't very comforting it reminds me of long car rides as a child where I sat in the backseat car sick smelling my parent's cigarette smoke hoping that the wind from the rolled down window would carry me away his face is a smiling skull I have seen him with a scythe and without a scythe his wings like black fire sometimes he just appears as a shadow behind me his hand on my shoulder now that I have made friends with my demons maybe I should just learn to hang with the grim reaper he certainly seems to like me at night when I hear the ghosts calling he never leaves me alone our bond is a thousand years old he knows I am drifting so he tells me that life is just one long car ride and maybe it is time to think about parking in the candle light his face is grim his mouth a cave that I want to explore the man with the dead eyes
is the father of your only child he lies he takes he watches you drown in his spite and maybe you are done with holding all his secrets that make you sick that drive a wedge between who you were and who you want to be his smile is empty he uses his words sparingly like razor blades on pertinent arteries and the woman he gifted your authority to is an ice queen each day she teaches your daughter to deny who she is freeze her emotions you die a little more the dead women seethe in the background at the injustice and you toast them with your wine they don't want you to lose a daughter like they did their murderers had the same dead eyes and told the same lies and the women that protected them were just as bad they sacrificed the children so they could preserve their faux happiness in tupper ware these people that kill hearts without a second thought are the same people that encouraged the families at Jonestown to drink the poisoned kool-aid to preserve the life they built on lies so you worry because you know death comes in all forms your daughter is drinking the kool-aid as the dead eyed ice people hush her and tell her something better is waiting all the while knowing what they took from her and why and seeing how they don't give a shit walking barefoot
through my small town streets the pebbles sticking to my feet was one of those ways I used to know I was alive inside my childhood home the curtains were always drawn even in the summer the windows shut clouds of cigarette smoke permeated everything summertime was freedom I wandered there was no money for summer camps my parents worked and after my chores I was free to explore I walked alone ran into kids from school I didn't know that well who also were too poor for summer camp I watched a boy eat the worm out of his Dad's tequila bottle he showed me how to shoplift and I never got caught he always had bruises on his face but only wanted to cheer me up he smoked stolen cigarettes in a flat-tired RV in his driveway told me to come back anytime and stood at the end of his driveway when I left I walked downtown and sat near the boat docks I watched the boats in the harbor wondering what it would be like to drift without fear on the way home I met up with another girl from school the younger sister of a football star their parents were divorced we watched MTV videos and she made us fried dough she told me about her boyfriend she walked around in bikini bottoms and a belly t-shirt and I thought how I wanted to be like her I walked home at dusk all the men were getting out from the shipyard and they hooted and hollered at my lone form walking the sidewalk I learned to walk through backyards I stopped at swing sets to swing I picked peas from private gardens and ate them on my way home when I arrived I always stood at the door for too long took a breath and sighed like I was kissing the world goodnight I knew what was inside the dark smoke of angry unsaid things that permeated everything and my sadness was there too clinging to the windows like a moth trying to find its way out |
AuthorMichelle Tinklepaugh Archives
April 2023
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