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sad girls sad women like me offering their lives up because some abusive asshole won't cut the never ending fuckery out slit wrists in a bathtub a bellyful of pills my demons are having none of it that shit is for martyrs they say with venom as they do weird interpretive dance in the shadows pain is just another art show one demon pantomimes a sad clown then we watch the martyr me bleed out in a bathtub of course she slit her wrist the wrong way Sylvia had it right the oven is so peaceful and what a powerful metaphor the demons throw glitter then make a crown out of my suicidal martyr bones i am wearing it now it hurts and i love it my heart is splattered on a wall look at it
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i forgot to wrap
a piece of tiny furniture for my store on etsy it arrived broken like me and then i overshared about missing my daughter now i am thinking i can't do anything other then feel intensely and write about it all the miniature dolls stare at me with dead eyes just like the ghosts who stare in to nothing the nothing that is me pain is grounding me and it isn't enough the song of the dead plays on repeat ghosts pulling at me whispering secrets grief keeps coming in waves so big i can't see the point anymore when day is gone
night spreads its black wings i lose myself here my sadness and anger can create other worlds portals spreading like veins a road map to anywhere but here shadow man tips his hat to me at each doorway the horror of longing fills the space in between i am in and out of a trance black pupils pulsating universal wisdoms someones dead grandma is knitting spiders in the corner i remember the root of my pain my daughter isn't here i open another vein this portal takes me back in time here she is still a baby wearing a drool bib smiling at my dark star eyes she recognizes my future self my past self sits in another room busying herself with mundane tasks that keep her sorrow from cutting to deep i hold my baby dance with her in my black robes on beige carpet she giggles stares in to my eyes i don't blink so she can see the secrets of the universe i know she will forget we all do i leave her with spirits to watch over her colored orbs that glow in the night i leave her with my past self move on another vein another place the ghosts are my chariot i urge them on take me farther show me everything just keep moving the man with a thousand faces
has won taken the last light i had the shadows are all around now the ghosts are whispering last memories he always made me feel invisible and now she does my little girl is gone i knew it was coming did everything to push back fate my blood my tears are just vapor i am a ghost clutching at old memories darkness is coming and i don't care the world is painted in loss memories
grown out of bones each one a message to end this cosmic scavenger hunt find every piece of myself i lost along the way my self is a broken mirror that shines in the dark to form a jagged star wounds bloom into flowers i pick them again and again just to see them die the serpent takes his mouth off his tail to kiss me tongue to tongue while the world ends my mother is hungry
and i am too small to speak full sentences she can't find a penny in her pocket she is close to tears later underneath the florescent lights she stares out the window while feeding me bits of pastrami the walls are mint green but her sadness is the yellow of a dying sunset we haven't found a home she just holds me in her arms at bus stops until she gets tired we sleep on grey bus seats ride in to the night when she finds our home the man holds my neck up against the wall i try to call for her but see in her eyes that this is how it must be i have to make this man love me and i do she falls farther away he gets so close i can't breathe when he holds a pillow over my face i look out the bus window he can't see all those places we could have stayed and she chose here i lay still until he thinks he has killed me laughs anyway i am a good little girl because i want to die my mother is in the next room staring at a computer she can't hear me now he made it like that i know she is looking out the bus window i wish i could see her the dead sit in rusty folding chairs
a seat has been saved for me i have been standing too long waiting for too long is this like eating the fairies food? if i could just sit awhile stare in to the abyss can i return home? what is home now that i am not my daughter's home the chair's rusty jagged pieces of metal cut into the back of my leg i can't feel the pain just the blood trickling down the dead smile at me and point to the black curtains ahead looks like the show is ready to begin i play with dolls
make tiny furniture while the dark vortex swirls beneath shadows are my friends now the ghosts that wake me up at night are now polite power is a lovely thing suffering isn't so bad when it brings all the answers my mentor came out of the dark when i was still seeking the light that blinds i fell down the rabbit hole knowing i was not alice i held the queen of hearts sword and cut my heart out she buckled beneath the thin card she was made of i watched alice follow the silly rabbit who couldn't even tell time his confusion would kill her while alice was signing her life away i fell in love with the mad hatter his chaos was my cup of tea and i drank it alice didn't pet the cheshire cat while i smoked his hookah she ran frightened into the woods i pet his purple stripes until he purred slipped into my ear told me that he was the hanged man and he was the joker the tarot cards leaves on the tree i plucked each one threw them into the darkness and we both laughed when alice ran he grinned so wide i walked inside |
AuthorMichelle Tinklepaugh Archives
June 2023
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