somewhere in the woods
we sleep on kindergarten nap mats
on a hard cabin floor

the mats are lined up in rows
i don't know if i am camping
or if this is yoga class
but the mosquito incense isn't
working

i itch all over
then ask the maybe yoga teacher
who barks orders at the front
if there is something better

she scoffs as i turn the packet
over in my hands
i don't know about that, she says
call the number on the back

i realize she isn't anyone
just mean

the room is full of bodies
then it is empty
i wake up too late 
every afternoon
aching from the hard floor

everyone falls asleep at
sundown here
and is gone by first light

i came here with my grandparents
my husband
but i have only seen them once
in some sort of group huddle
in the middle of the room
whispering with the others
that are never here
when i am

i hear voices behind the cabin
get out, they tell me
they are coming,
i ask if i should be worried
as groundhogs scurry past me

the man tells me their bite
only stings a little
the groundhogs are taking things
the mats
one of my slippers
a thin blue blanket

i hop around them with my bare feet
like they are hot coals
before joining the other campers
on the grass

i came here in a limousine
they said it was a vacation

the groundhogs drag 
everything i didn't want
into the forest
i want it now though
i want everything that is gone

i wonder if that's where my family is
i follow the groundhogs
feel the scratch of their 
curved claws as they climb
over my feet

one looks back at me
as if to tell me 
hurry up
something is coming 

there is nothing but shadows
here
shadow trees
shadow groundhogs

shadow people
like paper cutouts
rise from the dirt

see us 
hear us 
they whisper

there is no coming back from this
there is no coming back from this

i remember hiding
to drown out the noise
the warmth of my own breath
in the dark

the future is a staircase away
this feeling of falling 

the moon is my bed
when i wander
the basement of my mind

a rat follows
an old man gives me free groceries
when i have no appetite
 a wooden throne that is also
an electric chair
beckons me

thank you prison daddy issues
for infiltrating my subconscious

painters are painting
masterpieces 
in a damp corner
i make them pay rent
even though there is mold
everywhere

i am a kid 
hiding in my closet
while my parents are
fighting

i find a paint can and
paint the walls around me
maroon

i get hungry
and eat my parents
stale sugar  wedding cake topper
 on the shelf above me

it cuts my gums

the paint smell
makes me sleepy

when i wake
it is as if it never happened
i feel my mother's sadness
in her kindness 

i wonder if she knows
i followed the dark tunnel
to find her
i saw her in the living room
when he lost his mind

the closet is a portal 
my past lives and future lives
collide

the night
my mother gets lost
i gather grief around me
i collect all the unsaid things
in the air

 discarded memories
are just all the beauty
that has been forgotten

everything lost
should be found

we come back 
to where we left ourselves

i am here
painting the walls red
stale sugar cracking in my teeth

someone is in the closet with me
he tells me everything 
is going to be ok
he has no face
tells me
that pain is my gift

time has left me
 i keep falling

he laughs
and tells me when i am ready
i can paint my own wings

just tell me when
​i hit the ground

midnight didn't follow me
but sat in the streetlights
with those men

long into the night
when i should have been asleep
i heard the pretty girl with the sad
eyes weep
 
he laughed with his friends
while we sat in the corner
watching him torture the parrot
that was used to transport
cocaine

it was a cartoon
the screams
the blood 
weren't real

the parrot had green wings
the color of easter basket
jelly beans

he smelled like whisky
and cigarettes
everyone was afraid of him
i was too

 had a different girlfriend
tucking me in each night

pretty barbie dolls
with sad eyes
and closed lips

they were kind
voices like whispers
soothing in small
increments

one weekend
he gifted me a kitten
i named it midnight

there was a party 
in the parking lot
i was counting motorcycles
counting cars

he swore that midnight
ran away

when his latest woman
patted me on the back
i didn't know if it 
was a warning
or a comfort

the weekend visits ended
when he went to jail

i sat in the waiting room
while my mom cried
the black ink on my finger
looked blue in the light

he lied
told me
he just worked in the kitchen 
but he wore the same smile
he had when he killed the parrot

the portal in my living room
is pulsing
a half heart beat
glows

behind
cloaked figures
next to the dead black goat
 blood draining
into the ether 

this other dimension
smiles at me
my anger
bleeds darkness
every time i shed a tear
the basement opens

 time dissolves

feel the old bricks
minotaurs lay at your feet
the steps go down 
in a spiral

an altar of bones
is in the window
time has gone by

float with the crone
the black mirror
pulls me
stretch this consciousness
to beyond

i lost my face
now my eyes glow
in the night

creatures beside me
scream without sound

i shut their mouths
 and pull them to my heart

come here

rest in these black wings
learn
how to fly
​learn
​how to fall

on the shore
of the dead
we collect bones
like shells

the awakened 
can't sleep
because the world
is ending

the dead crowd out
the living
every day
that humanity fails
​
we become
closer to extinction

how many emperors 
will lie to us
before an empress comes 
and heals the world?

let it be a witch
burned in every past life
by naked emperors
wearing their pretend
attire

let her wear her
​scars
​ like jewels

she will tell you
 healing the earth is
part common sense
part moon magic

she will harness
the flames that
burned her
set fire to all the lies
that bloom
in the mouths
of suits

no false hope
no fake smiles

this new reality
can't be built
on old bullshit

 i trace my bones
in the dirt 

nurture this
growing void

darkness
is the only thing
that doesn't lie

the world is running
away 
pretending
that confusion
is an acceptable
answer
to the death of
humanity

Vermont has given up
on contract tracing in
the schools

my daughter
is still believing
in this bullshit reality
that is told to her
by everyone but me

i know where this is 
going

where have you been
my friend?

i am right here
dancing with my scythe
you can see me
so i spare you

each day is a gamble
each day i wrap myself
in the dark unknown
 i already know
the future
kneeling on broken glass
sharp stars in my eyes

in the dark 
i offer my tears

gonna get drunk
and dance with the 
minotaur that hangs out
in the basement of my mind

we will watch the end of 
the world together
his whispers smell like
black licorice

his horns feel like
my favorite stuffed animal
from childhood

illusions can be comforting
in the end we are all just
sacrifices

for the economy
that can't exist 
without us

my stepfather used
​to tell me stories
when he was high

pills crushed beneath his teeth
hidden in his cheek

floating in his recliner
me by his side

listening to the past is
like walking on broken marbles

his glass of grapefruit juice
and vodka
 the ice cubes were my seeing 
stone

 that girl who
 listened so carefully at
the mad hatters tea party
was me

he had no hat
just a ponytail
a ying yang earring

poured words instead of tea
i drank
every letter

remember this 
remember that
remember the sound

of pills grinding
in his teeth so loud

in a room
​too blue
to imagine the sun

his demons stick to him
like tar
his unawareness
is a weakness

my demons
blow fire
hold hands
with me in the dark

the uselessness of 
forms filled out
in desperation

i kneel to the 
the two of swords
that balance 
this pain

i float
where you can't yet
begin to fathom

 the shadow men
weave in and out 
of this fire

i call to the demons that stick you
it hurts them that you can't see them
when they come to me
they will be known

i know what it is like to hidden
behind a man who pretends 
to be good

just another riddle
that gollum gave
​in that cave

i conjure stories
i shine to them
like coins

i am their precious thing
my light is a trap

to draw them down
follow
these 
arrows
below

watch me sink this ship

i am the siren
calling to you
you fake sailor

watching you drown
is my new trip

i could have been
your lighthouse
now i will be your abyss

remember  when you thought
i was a just a deer in headlights/

i cried when i died
on the side of the road

all you did was pick your nose
in your pick up truck
and look the other way
your truck was the color
of fake blood

my beauty bled out
on some back road
it was real
​it happened

the moon an eye
winking at me through the trees

as my spirit bled tears
on black asphalt
i crawled out from my carcass
and i flew

to a future where
you were gone
and i could finally
be seen

this is the future
the end

the future was the children
but we end them
because school
is so important
when half of them can't read

food and water 
become scarce
humanity dies

for the economy
for airlines

so much confusion
or so they pretend

these lies by omission
kill us all


there won't be anyone
left to cremate anyone
there won't be expensive coffins
or funerals with finger sandwiches
in the basement of churches

just grief 
and death

hello 2022
​hello chaos

don't forget to get
your booster
that your kids aren't eligible for

because watching your kids
die is on your bucket list
if you are a cold hearted psychopath

think of the economy 
those cruise ship stocks
the airlines are suffering
while you bury
everyone you have ever loved

remember
that the news will
only report that 
this was the year of sweatpants

on this blue night

Joan Didion smokes
cigarettes in the dark

her typewriter
click clacks
as she
pulls the clouds down
around her

it is always night
here

she wears her grief
like stars

her daughter
her husband
have been waiting

this constellation
is a family again

death
just a warm manuscript
that tastes of bourbon

she dances
in a black leotard

tossing her bones
like dice
​into the ether




​