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somewhere in the woods
we sleep on kindergarten nap mats on a hard cabin floor the mats are lined up in rows i don't know if i am camping or if this is yoga class but the mosquito incense isn't working i itch all over then ask the maybe yoga teacher who barks orders at the front if there is something better she scoffs as i turn the packet over in my hands i don't know about that, she says call the number on the back i realize she isn't anyone just mean the room is full of bodies then it is empty i wake up too late every afternoon aching from the hard floor everyone falls asleep at sundown here and is gone by first light i came here with my grandparents my husband but i have only seen them once in some sort of group huddle in the middle of the room whispering with the others that are never here when i am i hear voices behind the cabin get out, they tell me they are coming, i ask if i should be worried as groundhogs scurry past me the man tells me their bite only stings a little the groundhogs are taking things the mats one of my slippers a thin blue blanket i hop around them with my bare feet like they are hot coals before joining the other campers on the grass i came here in a limousine they said it was a vacation the groundhogs drag everything i didn't want into the forest i want it now though i want everything that is gone i wonder if that's where my family is i follow the groundhogs feel the scratch of their curved claws as they climb over my feet one looks back at me as if to tell me hurry up something is coming there is nothing but shadows here shadow trees shadow groundhogs shadow people like paper cutouts rise from the dirt see us hear us they whisper there is no coming back from this there is no coming back from this
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i remember hiding to drown out the noise the warmth of my own breath in the dark the future is a staircase away this feeling of falling the moon is my bed when i wander the basement of my mind a rat follows an old man gives me free groceries when i have no appetite a wooden throne that is also an electric chair beckons me thank you prison daddy issues for infiltrating my subconscious painters are painting masterpieces in a damp corner i make them pay rent even though there is mold everywhere i am a kid hiding in my closet while my parents are fighting i find a paint can and paint the walls around me maroon i get hungry and eat my parents stale sugar wedding cake topper on the shelf above me it cuts my gums the paint smell makes me sleepy when i wake it is as if it never happened i feel my mother's sadness in her kindness i wonder if she knows i followed the dark tunnel to find her i saw her in the living room when he lost his mind the closet is a portal my past lives and future lives collide the night my mother gets lost i gather grief around me i collect all the unsaid things in the air discarded memories are just all the beauty that has been forgotten everything lost should be found we come back to where we left ourselves i am here painting the walls red stale sugar cracking in my teeth someone is in the closet with me he tells me everything is going to be ok he has no face tells me that pain is my gift time has left me i keep falling he laughs and tells me when i am ready i can paint my own wings just tell me when i hit the ground midnight didn't follow me
but sat in the streetlights with those men long into the night when i should have been asleep i heard the pretty girl with the sad eyes weep he laughed with his friends while we sat in the corner watching him torture the parrot that was used to transport cocaine it was a cartoon the screams the blood weren't real the parrot had green wings the color of easter basket jelly beans he smelled like whisky and cigarettes everyone was afraid of him i was too had a different girlfriend tucking me in each night pretty barbie dolls with sad eyes and closed lips they were kind voices like whispers soothing in small increments one weekend he gifted me a kitten i named it midnight there was a party in the parking lot i was counting motorcycles counting cars he swore that midnight ran away when his latest woman patted me on the back i didn't know if it was a warning or a comfort the weekend visits ended when he went to jail i sat in the waiting room while my mom cried the black ink on my finger looked blue in the light he lied told me he just worked in the kitchen but he wore the same smile he had when he killed the parrot the portal in my living room
is pulsing a half heart beat glows behind cloaked figures next to the dead black goat blood draining into the ether this other dimension smiles at me my anger bleeds darkness every time i shed a tear the basement opens time dissolves feel the old bricks minotaurs lay at your feet the steps go down in a spiral an altar of bones is in the window time has gone by float with the crone the black mirror pulls me stretch this consciousness to beyond i lost my face now my eyes glow in the night creatures beside me scream without sound i shut their mouths and pull them to my heart come here rest in these black wings learn how to fly learn how to fall on the shore of the dead we collect bones like shells the awakened can't sleep because the world is ending the dead crowd out the living every day that humanity fails we become closer to extinction how many emperors will lie to us before an empress comes and heals the world? let it be a witch burned in every past life by naked emperors wearing their pretend attire let her wear her scars like jewels she will tell you healing the earth is part common sense part moon magic she will harness the flames that burned her set fire to all the lies that bloom in the mouths of suits no false hope no fake smiles this new reality can't be built on old bullshit i trace my bones
in the dirt nurture this growing void darkness is the only thing that doesn't lie the world is running away pretending that confusion is an acceptable answer to the death of humanity Vermont has given up on contract tracing in the schools my daughter is still believing in this bullshit reality that is told to her by everyone but me i know where this is going where have you been my friend? i am right here dancing with my scythe you can see me so i spare you each day is a gamble each day i wrap myself in the dark unknown i already know the future kneeling on broken glass sharp stars in my eyes in the dark i offer my tears gonna get drunk and dance with the minotaur that hangs out in the basement of my mind we will watch the end of the world together his whispers smell like black licorice his horns feel like my favorite stuffed animal from childhood illusions can be comforting in the end we are all just sacrifices for the economy that can't exist without us my stepfather used
to tell me stories when he was high pills crushed beneath his teeth hidden in his cheek floating in his recliner me by his side listening to the past is like walking on broken marbles his glass of grapefruit juice and vodka the ice cubes were my seeing stone that girl who listened so carefully at the mad hatters tea party was me he had no hat just a ponytail a ying yang earring poured words instead of tea i drank every letter remember this remember that remember the sound of pills grinding in his teeth so loud in a room too blue to imagine the sun his demons stick to him like tar his unawareness is a weakness my demons blow fire hold hands with me in the dark the uselessness of forms filled out in desperation i kneel to the the two of swords that balance this pain i float where you can't yet begin to fathom the shadow men weave in and out of this fire i call to the demons that stick you it hurts them that you can't see them when they come to me they will be known i know what it is like to hidden behind a man who pretends to be good just another riddle that gollum gave in that cave i conjure stories i shine to them like coins i am their precious thing my light is a trap to draw them down follow these arrows below watch me sink this ship i am the siren calling to you you fake sailor watching you drown is my new trip i could have been your lighthouse now i will be your abyss remember when you thought i was a just a deer in headlights/ i cried when i died on the side of the road all you did was pick your nose in your pick up truck and look the other way your truck was the color of fake blood my beauty bled out on some back road it was real it happened the moon an eye winking at me through the trees as my spirit bled tears on black asphalt i crawled out from my carcass and i flew to a future where you were gone and i could finally be seen this is the future
the end the future was the children but we end them because school is so important when half of them can't read food and water become scarce humanity dies for the economy for airlines so much confusion or so they pretend these lies by omission kill us all there won't be anyone left to cremate anyone there won't be expensive coffins or funerals with finger sandwiches in the basement of churches just grief and death hello 2022 hello chaos don't forget to get your booster that your kids aren't eligible for because watching your kids die is on your bucket list if you are a cold hearted psychopath think of the economy those cruise ship stocks the airlines are suffering while you bury everyone you have ever loved remember that the news will only report that this was the year of sweatpants on this blue night Joan Didion smokes cigarettes in the dark her typewriter click clacks as she pulls the clouds down around her it is always night here she wears her grief like stars her daughter her husband have been waiting this constellation is a family again death just a warm manuscript that tastes of bourbon she dances in a black leotard tossing her bones like dice into the ether |
AuthorMichelle Tinklepaugh Archives
June 2023
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