dollhouse diaries: Dawn's descent

on a good day she leaves the house
wanders through the aisles of the supermarket
looking at food she has no appetite to eat
she buys a new toy for Alison
she goes back to the house and takes a nap
before her daughter gets home from school

dinner is cereal and toast
or canned soup and crackers
when they talk it is about
things that happened to
to Alison at school
or  about tv shows
they watch together
they don't talk about him

after dinner
Dawn has taken to spending
hours in the bathtub
drinking whatever
alcohol she can find in the house
while Alison watches
cartoons in the next room

tonight it is whiskey 
last night it was wine
she takes hot baths
watches her skin turn red
and wills herself to stay put
until the bathwater is cold
and she is shivering

her hollowness is growing
spreading in to every corner
of the house
the whiskey burns her throat
hits her empty stomach
like a punch

Alison has started climbing in to bed 
with her at night
like when she was a toddler
she tries to comfort her
but she can't even comfort herself
instead they are just lonely together
Dawn has lost so much weight
that hugging her daughter hurts

he used to yell at her for things like this
letting Alison crawl into bed with them
at night when she couldn't sleep 
letting her leave the light on
because she was afraid of the dark
Alison would cry and Dawn
would have to sleep
on the floor of her room 
he didn't speak to her for months
after that 
she never understood why
as if having compassion for her own
child was an unforgivable weakness

he wasn't a good husband
he wasn't a good father
and now she isn't a good mother
she takes another drink from the 
bottle then another one until
her eyes start to water

a terrible thought
works its way inside 
her and starts to blister
what if she was only good
in comparison to him?

the water is cold
Dawn puts the bottle
on the floor
draws her knees up 
to her chest and wraps
her arms around them

she has to get up 
go be a good mother now 
but she doesn't know 
what that is anymore
she doesn't know who
she is anymore

Dawn presses her spine
into the icy porcelain
and prays 
that it grinds her
bones to dust