I felt like I couldn't breathe all day. I felt like my stomach was inside out. I quit smoking awhile ago so I know it is sadness, panic, not asthma. My older dog is going blind. I can't eat.
The end of something is coming or it is already here. My daughter comes home tomorrow or maybe she doesn't I don't know anymore. No one is telling me anything and Covid19 is still happening and a forensic psychologist costs about 10, 000 and that isn't including court fees.
I am tired. My daughter says she wants to live with her dad and I know I am being alienated as a parent and I know he is this grade A manipulative douchebag. I think the damage is done. She is slipping away, She has slipped away and here I am holding on to a memory. Here I am trying to change time.
I don't want to get out of bed in the morning even when she is here. I can't think about the world out there. Her going to school wearing a mask like some dystopian novel. I can't leave the house to walk the dogs, My husband does all the outdoor things and I do everything inside if I can get out of bed. Everyone keeps pretending everything is okay. Everyone keeps pretending like this isn't the world ending.
The nightmares, the insomnia, the not knowing what day it is. My kid hates me because I can't lie. There is a falseness in the world and it tastes like bile to me. I keep trying to have hope and dreams but everything is slipping away and all of us are holding on to what used to be and it doesn't make any sense.
So I am sad. I can't paint this rosy picture of tomorrow for my daughter because I can't get through the night. And because the world is this fucked up place, people like us fall through the cracks, we get ignored and abused and made fun of. No one likes the truth. The truth is that humanity has already fallen.
Yeah, I am depressed and so is everyone else. Pills don't dampen reality because we all know the pharmaceutical companies are Satan and only care about money.
My daughter doesn't want to live with me anymore and we used to be close and I know her dad is a therapist and manipulative and treats me like shit but what if she doesn't want to live with me because reality sucks and I want her to survive and he is offering her some youtube video of life where dogs ride on skateboards and she doesn't have to think or feel. I think that's worse but what do I know.
The world is a cruel and violent place. We are living in a dystopian novel and the kids go to school while adults stay home and work online. It is no wonder they hate us. It is no wonder they are confused. The world is shut down and we expect them to pretend like everything is ok for us and then we say it's for them and if you don't do that you are depressed, you are crazy.
I am grieving a world that no longer exists. I don't want to be out there. All the masks and hand sanitizer and hate. I suppose that means I am crazy that I just want to sit this out. It is like some shitty gym class, everyone is playing dodgeball and all I want to do is hide in the locker room and read poetry. Who wants to be hit in the face with a ball? or Covid19? or a bullet? Apparently everyone. I am going to sit this one out. Tell me when the game is over, until then I will read my book and hide.