I have not had one Easter without my daughter since she was born. Today was the first day and I am supposed to pretend like it doesn't hurt. I am supposed to pretend that it wasn't taken from me by a man that has abused me for years.
I don't want to be awake right now. I don't want to be alive. I want to be numb. I want some magical wand to touch me so I can sleep, not worrying,, not feeling. But that's not reality and people are shitty, and selfish, and will break you down.
I don't understand and I will never understand how cold hearted people run the world. The meek are supposed to inherit the earth but it isn't happening because the meek don't want to be here. I keep keeping secrets because I think I have no choice but since I have lost the daughter I was trying to keep safe from what I went through. I think I have failed. I see her soul look away. I see her hiding and keeping secrets like I did and the pain is too much too bear. She is now like me. A light in hiding. She sleeps with her secrets and because I don't know her secrets I can't sleep.
I am losing things. I have lost parts of myself. My dream is to keep my daughter whole. My dream is to inspire hope and happiness in her and it isn't working. People are selfish and will stomp you down in the dirt for their own agenda.
I want to sleep. I want to feel safe. I want to know that I can relax, but the world is a terrible place and you can't trust anyone. My daughter is out there, a constellation not seen by no one but me.
I grieve letting her go so early. I grieve watching her wander with the people that don't know the future is just understanding that we all know nothing.
In this deep dark place. I float along, alone, waiting for some epiphany that brings about a connection. In the meantime I dream nightmares of death and wandering.
I have lost hope and am pretending that the nights not knowing aren't killing me.
Tonight I will lay awake until I pass out from exhaustion. I will think about how confused she is. I will think about how I can't face another day not knowing. I will sleep in this not knowing. I will hide my tomorrow nightmare.