he who walks behind the rows

Today was the first time someone else took my daughter to her yearly physical. Of course, I received no information from X and had to look at her online health portal for info about the visit. Even though I communicated about every appointment I have taken her to ever (which was all of them) until today. Since she is still underweight I hope he mentioned to the doctor that she is now a vegetarian who doesn't eat vegetables. 

I didn't sleep last night. I am still being alienated from my daughter. She doesn't call or text when she is over there and she now also doesn't talk to my family either.  The master manipulator has succeeded in his goal to be a Grade A asshole. Things could be worse. I spend my days lounging in my bathrobe, napping whenever I feel like it, writing poetry, reading. My husband and I are treating this like one long extended honeymoon from the world. There are my bouts of crying and insomnia, but other than that we are living in our own creative love nest. We are living poetically. He is a poem. I am a poem. We speak in poems. We eat poems for dinner. We are hoarding poems to bathe in. 

Mother's Day is coming up. The way things have been going I already know what my Mother's Day is going to be like, as in I probably won't have my daughter because she will be probably be celebrating at her new Mommy's. Just preparing myself for the worst because when I don't all the above happens and I spiral into the nothingness of the damned.

Got my Covid19 shot last Saturday. The Johnson and Johnson one, have been having shitty side effects since then and now find out it might possibly kill me and I just need to wait and see for three weeks if I get a stroke. My chances look great (sarcasm). I am a woman between the ages of 18-50 and have an autoimmune disease. I don't trust the government and this bullshit doublespeak about all the vaccines, CDC, FDA whatever, they can't even keep heavy metals out of baby food. I took a risk and knew it, now I am telling myself I told you so. Meanwhile big pharma's Moderna and Pfizer have just as many side effects, if not more, and is shoving hyped up advertising to the masses daily through "news" articles.  They don't want J&J's simple and cheap vaccine to work.

We are all fucked. I knew it when all this started and I know it now. I will be sure to take a selfie during my stroke. Maybe we can at least save the children, although it is going to look like Children of the Corn. Shit, we are already living in The Stand. Stephen King the prophet of doom can predict the future better than our own government. Stay tuned for he who walks behind the rows.