kissing the world goodnight

walking barefoot 
through my small town streets
the pebbles sticking to my feet
was one of those ways
I used to know
I was alive

inside my childhood home
the curtains were always drawn
even in the summer
the windows shut
clouds of cigarette smoke
permeated everything

summertime was freedom
I wandered
there was no money for 
summer camps
my parents worked
and after my chores
I was free to explore

I walked alone
ran into kids from school
I didn't know that well
who also were too poor
for summer camp

I watched a boy eat the worm
out of his Dad's tequila bottle
he showed me how to shoplift
and I never got caught
he always had bruises on his face
but only wanted to cheer me up

he smoked stolen cigarettes
in a flat-tired RV in his driveway
told me to come back anytime
and stood at the end of his driveway
when I left
I walked downtown
and sat near the boat docks
I watched the boats in the harbor
wondering what it would be like
to drift without fear

on the way home
I met up with another girl from school
the younger sister of a football star
their parents were divorced
we watched MTV videos
and she made us fried dough
she told me about her boyfriend
she walked around in bikini bottoms
and a belly t-shirt
and I thought how 
I wanted to be like her

I walked home at dusk
all the men were getting out from
the shipyard
and they hooted and hollered
at my lone form walking the sidewalk
I learned to walk through backyards
I stopped at swing sets to swing
I picked peas from private gardens
and ate them on my way home

when I arrived
I always stood at the door for too long
took a breath and sighed
like I was kissing the world goodnight

I knew what was inside
the dark smoke
of angry unsaid things
that permeated everything
and my sadness
was there too
clinging to the windows
like a moth trying to find
its way out