let's haunt the night

all my friends are dead
they drift in and out of 
the darkness

I call to them at night
because when they
are here I feel less lonely

when I can't sleep
it is eight hours of darkness
where the dead tell me
their stories
just listening is enough
to forget my own story

no one will miss me 
when my soul leaves this timeline
maybe that isn't so bad
this reality isn't quite right
no one thinks with their heart
everyone is ready to stab you in back

 I can see the the other world
the one where spirits float free
you don't worry about being loved
but instead about being seen and  heard
 me and most other women
aren't heard here
so it isn't much different

for women 
power lies outside the body
and outside the body means
in the consciousness 

I am only loved when I am hot
when I am meek
when I succumb to some volcanic
ego that has no reasoning

but I am aging
I am only human
I would like to not care
I would like to remove my body
as if it were a cancerous tumor

everything I have ever known
has been a lie
it takes a toll
​
my true family 
are all the ghosts that accompany me
I don't feel at home here with all this bullshit
this ego that parades as humanity
is ridiculous
everyone is out for themselves
that is the truth
that everyone lies about

so many power struggles
for what?
nothing is real

every man is always going to hate me
because he thinks everything is a competition
the only language I speak is in feeling
when I am with my dead friends
they all see that I just want to help
there are no pretenses
they see my wings
they know my soul

I don't trust anyone alive
anymore 
except animals

I want my last thoughts to be 
eating a cherry popsicle on a summer night
near the ocean
when I was a kid 
alone
thinking about the future
I thought I was going to have
I had hope
which is something I don't have
anymore
​
right now I just want to remember
my first pet 
my cat Baby
purring while lying on my chest
 I was so sick I thought I was dying
he stayed with me
I have never had that experience 
with a person
people will make up reasons to leave
apparently it is human nature
and it isn't nice
it isn't love
it is just shitty
makes me want to hug ghosts
in the night
I belong
in the ether

there is no such thing as loyalty
anymore

the angel of death visits me
he is an angel for a reason
he knows what the world is like
he knows pain
he knows how alone 
everyone is 
and he has a soul that feels
as intensely as I do

I have never trusted anyone
love doesn't matter
trust is everything
if those you choose to love
and your trust is broken again and again
if that is all you have ever known
then relationships start to have no fucking point

I don't want to learn this lesson anymore
people are shitty
tonightI will commune with the dead
and they will comfort me
as they always do
because they know
that the living
don't know how to live
don't how to love
and take everything for granted 

they hold my soul
on their misty altar
as I stand by and watch
in awe they marvel
at the light I still have
after all I have been through

my life is with the drifting souls
who know what they missed
they don't want you to make 
the same mistakes
they did 
dying  with someone
who didn't appreciate them
dying 
already forgotten

over there I am a queen
I have a family
they come to me in my sorrow
they surround me on the nights I can't sleep
they are here now as I write this
they want me to come home
they tell me I don't deserve this pain
I know they are right
the only thing here is more disappointment 

all my best friends are dead
as they hold me now
I wonder why I want to stay 
in this place where I have to fight 
to be me
​to be heard

come to me my friends
all you spirits that drift
let me drift with you
let's be invisible together
let's haunt the night