the lie of life is a lonely thing

my dog has an enlarged heart
last night she was
struggling to breathe
 had to go to the animal hospital

they gave her oxygen
some pills to take home
the X ray showed that her heart
had gotten worse since last year
now she needs to see
an animal cardiologist 
but an available appointment
might take a month or longer
 
I just spent the majority of my savings 
on my teeth
 a surprise extraction in december
 a very late annual dental checkup in march
that showed I needed
a route canal in april
a temporary crown last week
and today three cavities filled
I have no dental insurance
I am hoping the animal cardiologist
will be cheaper

while writing this I had to stop
to lift her off the bed
 so she could drink water
 even with the pills
her breathing is labored
I am afraid to close my eyes
or leave the room
I don't want her to die alone
unable to catch her breath
when I check on her 
her eyes are open
when they should
be closed
she is afraid

I have been holding back tears 
all day because I know how this goes
I have been taking her to the vet
 every few weeks since summer
and they say it is allergies
or just what happens when you get old
she is  only  9 1/2
her breathing problems
are related to her heart
so clearly her vet missed 
the reaper's knock

if I could lose loss I would
I don't want to keep seeing everything
and everyone disappear

my dog is dying
my best friend
who found her for me
to cheer me up 
after I had a miscarriage
died five years ago

the lie of life is a lonely thing
one that always seems to depend
on ignoring what your eyes can see
and how your heart feels

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