the noise that quiet brings

I have bottled my grief
and put it on a sunny windowsill

which made it all seem better for awhile
sunlight shining through years of tears
the sound of rain in the background
but nothing has changed

my haunted self
is tired of the pretenses of life
beating around the bush
talking to rocks like they give a shit
my inner child used to need a hug
but now her teeth are razor sharp
and those windowsill tears
we once worshiped 
only burns our skin

in some abandoned basement in my mind
I hold her dirty hand 
while she reminds me how
my rage should be sharper now than her teeth
her scabs predate my scars

our eyes are the same
she said she has found a way to peace
and I watch her in the dark
scratching her scabs on some
abandoned mattress

well what is it then?

she scratches at my wrist scars
like they are bug bites
it is her version of a hug
we are afraid of basements
and the dark
and ghosts
but we are past that
now that our only constant is the dead
who throw us into the dark
like that asshole dad
that threw you into the pool
when you didn't know how to swim

we can hide out here
with the dead until its all over

the ghosts cling to us like moths

my inner child sits crosslegged
surrounded by them
an old lady ghost braids her hair
my ghosts are standing beside me
like they are at a 7-11 wondering if they should
even bother

I don't know
it seems pretty bleak

she gives me a hard stare
my dead childhood cat baby 
is purring in her lap

I remember being you
but you haven't lived my life

what makes you think
I would want to?

and here we are
both still here living amongst
the ghosts
my inner child ready to eat popcorn
with the ghosts while the world wars
itself to destruction

soon, I tell her
​
and she flicks a scab at me
while our cat purrs
our childhood bedroom window is broken
I see my daughter searching for me
pretending she can't hear the ghosts

my inner child is smiling 
her teeth glinting in the dark

you have already lost her 

no, I say

lost is when you don't bother
searching anymore

I climb through the broken window
cutting my legs on the glass
it is dark and I am bleeding
the ghosts surround her in the distance
I hear her calling for me in her mind

I am coming, I reply

the darkness swallows 
every step I take
her light keeps calling more spirits
my inner child sits sullenly in the basement
wondering why no one did that for her

my daughter has her headphones on
trying to drown out the noise
that quiet brings
she is in a stranger's house
I wonder if I am already dead
​
she looks in my direction

I am here, I say
mommy is back