the sun is an insult

my daughter sits
on the edge of 
my bed
with her back to me

i reach out my arms
because i am so 
relieved to see her

but she doesn't turn around
just drifts 
farther and farther
in to the distance
like a lost balloon

then i wake up
to another day
without her
go back to sleep
until the sun goes down
the sun is an insult
to my grief

the only way 
i get to see her now
are in dreams
and nightmares
i accept these 
inconsistent gifts

and when the sadness
sets in
i float in the dark waters
of my subconscious

tell myself
i am not drowning
i am not drowning

which obviously means
i am in denial
that i am drowning